Self-Love is Enduring

Until recent years, running away in my thoughts or by moving thousands of miles away hailed as my modus operandi for self-protecting, regaining a sense of control, or reestablishing a comfort zone. To call me a recovering commitment phobe would not be off base.

An inherent aspect of my personality yearns to explore and seek adventure. I have a high boredom threshold so taking risks comes naturally to me. However, in the past, I unwittingly misused my natural wiring to fuel unhealthy escapist behaviors. Thankfully, the Holy Spirit has taught me to distinguish between when I am authentically stepping out in faith and when I am simply seeking to start my internal engines.

Interestingly, I noticed that the wilder God’s ask, the quicker I jumped – as long as it did not involve connecting with someone or investing in something. Quit my job, sell my house, donate my belongings, buy a backpack and explore Europe by myself without knowing a soul, other languages, or anything about where I am going: sure! No problem! I have made several such moves into the unknown.

Stay on one job longer than six months without quitting or having a strong desire to quit, live in one place fully unpacked with no just-in-case boxes on standby or plans for the next move, call someone I haven’t spoken to in years, allow a friend into my inner world by sharing my true feelings and opinions: uh, no, God. Can I just jump off a cliff or something? If so, I’m ready!

It may sound ridiculous but that was my life until the last few years.

God walked me through a financial meltdown and a medical crisis to heal me. During the purposed financial experience, I had no resources to run. During the medical crisis, I had no physical ability to sit, stand, or walk let alone move geographically or in any other physical capacity. I vividly recall screaming to the top of my lungs, “I can’t move!” I immediately knew what God was up to.

Both of those experiences taught me about spiritual endurance. I learned to ride the roller coaster of life which God will purpose to fulfill His plan. I grew more adept at aligning every thought and action with God’s will so that I not only commit to start but also commit to finish.

Oftentimes, we know with absolute certainty that God has placed a particular dream in hearts or has revealed a particular vision for us to realize. We grow frustrated when nothing seems to be happening.

I have learned that God did not forget what He promised me; He was waiting until I was still enough and wise enough to stay to receive it.

I went for short scenic drive last weekend that evolved into a 200 mile road trip through the Texas Hill Country. At the 100 mile mark, I saw the road narrowing as it wound its way through the rolling hills before me, disappearing at the horizon. I felt this strong tug that urged me to keep going. I had a full tank of gas. Could stop and buy more if I needed. I could just go and explore and be free and get lost until I was ready to be found.

Then, something unexpected happened which has not happened before. Another part of me very gently said, “It’s time to go back. It’s safe to stay. It’s safe to return. You have a job that you love with a boss that you love working for and coworkers you love working with all for a mission that feeds your soul. It’s okay to want to return to that. You’re safe.

In that instant, that wild feeling that I’ve known for four decades began to fade, peace taking its place. I thanked God for the outing and turned around for home.

During the two weeks prior, I had been considering applying for other jobs – leaving after 10 months – out of habit? fear of connecting? fear of… whatever?

Instead, I made a commitment to stay. And a very new adventure begins.

1 Corinthians 13:7(d); Hebrews 10:36
Minister Sapphire Jule King
#SelfLoveMinistry
#OpenAndReceive