On this glorious Tuesday, I celebrate 19 years of sobriety and the official launch of our Self-Love Ministry.
Reflecting on the hungover, dazed, and confused state in which I awoke Sunday morning January 7th, 2001, lying in the middle of my living room floor nestled in a sprawling pool of my own vomit unsure of how I got there or if I would find some strange man in my home, a day of glory for me seemed a farfetched fantasy.
I had failed again. Chasing the ending of another unhealthy relationship with a bottle of vodka and — I thought — cranberry juice. (I later discovered that barely a sip of cranberry juice had been dispensed compared to the paltry sip remaining in the Absolut bottle). I cursed myself, how could I do this again!
I remember hurling that bottle with a few others into a recently emptied dumpster in my apartment complex. The shrill sound of splintering glass reverberating in the steel echo chamber pierced my heart space. Carved an unforgettable memory in my brain. Screamed back to me, “You can’t keep doing this!”
The night before, I had thrown myself a nobody-loves-me pity party. I decided liquor and dancing was the best remedy. I was new to Phoenix, Arizona but wanted to go to a particular club that I had heard about. Before the age of GPS, I called the club for directions and made my way there. I stepped out the car, ready to dance the night way, when I realized I still had on my pink, fuzzy slippers. And I did not bring my heels with me. I cursed myself, you can’t even get that right! What a loser!
Back in the car I went. Only now, I had to find my way back home. I found it odd that a major freeway would be lined by runway lights and level indicators that… you… would… find… at… an… airport. Why am I on a long, dark, not-so-main road by the airport?!
I had (and still have) no idea. But I saw this woman standing on the side of the road I believe at a guard booth. I stopped and asked her for directions to Ahwatukee where I lived. She said, “I am new here so I am not sure. But you see that man up ahead? Ask him. He can tell you.”
I started driving toward the dark, shadowy figure in front me. Then, I awoke on my living room floor christened in my own puke.
I remember realizing that I did not remember how I got home. My first thoughts were someone had to drive me home… that man… is he here?… where is my car… did anything happen to me? A quick body scan alleviated those fears. Phew! I spotted my car keys on the bar. Timidly making my way towards my front door, I exhaled upon seeing it deadbolted from the inside. I still had to check the other rooms. Home alone. Finally, all clear.
Now, the car. What was I going to find? A missing front end? A pancaked rear bumper? Grass and mud adorning my grill like a bad moustache? No. Nothing save a trail of vodka spilled on the interior of the driver’s side window and my car perfectly parked which I could never do sober. Seriously, I measured because it was that remarkable. Symmetrically centered in the parking spot.
I knew I had dodged a bullet. But I did not know what to do. Sure, I knew about AA, had actually flirted with sobriety and the steps five years earlier. But that is not the kind of action plan that I was missing. Deep somewhere in my heart, in my soul, in my spirit, I DID NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT MYSELF. I did not pray to God as God was not on my friend’s list. I did not want to have anything to do with God due to all the abuse, disappointments, and losses saddled upon me by life.
But God. God wanted everything to do with me. I finally fell asleep after a long day of disparaging myself. That night I had a dream that I will remember for the rest of my days. A dream that changed my life forever.
I was in my apartment observing two little boys in the kitchen. Apparently, they were my children (although I did not have children). The oldest boy of approximately seven or eight years of age was cooking up a storm. He had pots and pans everywhere. Ingredients everywhere. He was sweating and moving his little arms from pot to pan to pot and back at a rapid-fire pace. Meanwhile, his little brother of approximately three or four years of age was in the adjoining dining room waiting eagerly for breakfast to be served. Finally, his brother plated the food and served him.
At that time, I walked into the dining room to discover that the young child was lying on his back in a scattered pile of eggs. He just looked up at me with this innocent grin as he rolled around giving himself a back massage with his breakfast. I recall looking down upon him with such compassion in my heart because he looked so innocent. He squealed he was sorry through that heart-melting smile. I grasped his hand in my mine and helped him to his feet. I said, “It’s okay. I will help you clean up this mess, but from now on, eat at the table.”
When I awoke the next morning and reflected on the dream, I knew God was talking to me.
My dear, sweet, innocent baby girl, I will help you clean up the mess of your life. But from now on, you must eat at the table, you must do what you know is right.
I found an AA meeting that afternoon. So began my spiritual rebirth and the rebuilding of my relationship with God.
I share this story because I did not remotely understand the concept of self-love or how to love others in a healthy manner because I did not yet know God’s love for me. Even in my mess, God loved me. Even in the worst experiences of my life, God was with me. I did not know God, but God knew me. I did not seek God, but God chased me. I did not see God, but God saw me home to my apartment and, over the last 19 years, home to Him and his unlimited, unconditional love for me.
That dream marked my first sober and conscious taste of the unconditional love, mercy, and grace that God promises us, and I thirst for it every day [Nehemiah 9:17; Exodus 34:6; Numbers 14:18; Psalm 86:15, 145:8; and Joel 2:13].
It is my privilege and my prayer to share this life-saving and life-giving love with others who may find themselves in a similar situation. Through learning to receive God’s love, I finally learned to love myself.
May you open your heart to receive.
Minister Sapphire Jule King